Reflections

I have had many thoughts and times of reflection surrounding October and what should have been. I should have given birth to our daughter October first. Even now as I type, the truth of the matter seems distant and surreal. I guess surreal sums up the entire experience of losing Josianne. I think about her every day. Some days, my thoughts are few, some days they are many. Some days my mind travels back so quickly to the day I held her in my arms, some days I have to trudge to get there. I don't know if that makes any sense. I think it is God's way of healing me and still guarding my feeble heart. There are times I want to hide the fact that our baby died in the womb at 24 weeks, there are other days I want to remember her and mention her name without tears welling up in my eyes. I know that will come and it will get easier. She is real to me, to all of us. The other night, I was talking to my Granny, who just celebrated her 81st birthday, and we talked about Josianne. It seemed strange, but we talked about her being in heaven and being like Christ...it's so hard to imagine and understand. She's not a baby in heaven, at least I don't think so. But yet, in my mind, she will always be my baby. I see mothers holding their babies, and it's bittersweet to watch. I rejoice for that Mommy that cradles her baby, but then my heart aches for my baby and the time on earth that I lost with her. Sometimes my arms ache to hold a baby, but I am scared of that too; how will my heart handle that? I still wonder why we lost Josianne and how we lost her. When I am full of sorrow, God gently reminds me that He is a god of love and mercy and that he promises not to make our journey here on earth easy; but he does promise to carry us through the storms of life and the joys of life. So, my reflection brings joy and sorrow. Sorrow because I miss Josianne, joy because I will see her one day...