Remembering...

Today I am remembering my sweet baby girl, who was born into heaven. On June 22, we found out that our baby had died, when I was 26 weeks pregnant. The doctors said it was SIDS, in the womb, there was no explanation. On June 26, Josianne was born...into heaven. I read that on another blog and thought it was the best way to describe her birth. I carried her in my womb for 26 weeks, but she never lived outside of me. In fact, she slipped into heaven without even stepping foot into this world. It all seems so distant, but then again, it all seems not that long ago. Sometimes I imagine what it would have been like if she would have been a part of our family. Sometimes, I cry at the thought or mention of her. Sometimes, I don't. Sometimes, my children ask about her. Sometimes, God gives me an opportunity to share my story and his love and grace that got me through the pain. Sometimes, I wish she were here. Sometimes, I can't believe that I lost her. Sometimes, I read my blog and relive every moment of it all, just so that I can always remember her...because sometimes, God has a way of allowing time to bring healing. With that healing, sometimes, I forget how sad loosing Josianne really was. And then, sometimes...I choose to trust God's heart, because I sure can't trace his hand, or make sense of a difficult situation. And I always rest in that peace and hope and find comfort and joy for the journey!!! I always, always, always know that His plans are best and that I can trust Him to do what is best for me...even when I sometimes, don't understand!

"For I know the plans I have for you"-this is the Lord's declaration-"plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Reflections

I have had many thoughts and times of reflection surrounding October and what should have been. I should have given birth to our daughter October first. Even now as I type, the truth of the matter seems distant and surreal. I guess surreal sums up the entire experience of losing Josianne. I think about her every day. Some days, my thoughts are few, some days they are many. Some days my mind travels back so quickly to the day I held her in my arms, some days I have to trudge to get there. I don't know if that makes any sense. I think it is God's way of healing me and still guarding my feeble heart. There are times I want to hide the fact that our baby died in the womb at 24 weeks, there are other days I want to remember her and mention her name without tears welling up in my eyes. I know that will come and it will get easier. She is real to me, to all of us. The other night, I was talking to my Granny, who just celebrated her 81st birthday, and we talked about Josianne. It seemed strange, but we talked about her being in heaven and being like Christ...it's so hard to imagine and understand. She's not a baby in heaven, at least I don't think so. But yet, in my mind, she will always be my baby. I see mothers holding their babies, and it's bittersweet to watch. I rejoice for that Mommy that cradles her baby, but then my heart aches for my baby and the time on earth that I lost with her. Sometimes my arms ache to hold a baby, but I am scared of that too; how will my heart handle that? I still wonder why we lost Josianne and how we lost her. When I am full of sorrow, God gently reminds me that He is a god of love and mercy and that he promises not to make our journey here on earth easy; but he does promise to carry us through the storms of life and the joys of life. So, my reflection brings joy and sorrow. Sorrow because I miss Josianne, joy because I will see her one day...

Heaven

Heaven, let me tell you about the last week in my life and why I start out with the word heaven.

On June 22, I went for a routine 26 week OB appointment while here in Georgia (I had planned on seeing the doctor a couple of times, due to the length of time we would be in GA, before heading to Illinois). During my visit, I told the doctor that I was a little concerned, because I felt like my baby wasn't very active. Seconds later, he put the doppler on my stomach to hear the heartbeat, and after a few minutes of trying, he didn't find one. Of course, I was scared to death, and I know that at 26 weeks, that's just not normal or okay. He walks me down the hall to have an ultrasound, I am alone and scared, and in my heart, I know this isn't good. I start praying for peace and strength, because I know that I'm about to face something really difficult, that I could never face without my God. The tech performed the ultrasound, and within less than a minute, she says she will be back with the doctor. Again, I am in tears and crying out to God for help. My doctor walks in and tells me that my baby is no longer living; she has been dead for 2-3 weeks. I was in shock, and beside myself with sorrow and agony and so many questions. I wanted him to be wrong; not my baby, she was okay just four weeks ago. More than anything, I ached for my husband (who was thousands of miles away) to be by my side; I can't go through this without him, we are one.
My mom was called; she and my dad came to me very quickly. They were the first ones that I shared this difficult news with; I'm so thankful they were there to hold me, and cry with me. The doctor discussed some things with us, and then we left. It was so strange, because my world had been rocked with such sad news, but the sun was still shining, and other people were going about with their daily lives and routines.
I called Greg, he was just starting his Tuesday morning, it was 6:00 am; he had been for a run and was so chipper. I wished so badly that I didn't have to tell him that our baby girl had passed away. In our 10 years of marriage, this is the most tragic time we've shared. Greg was in just as much shock as I was. There we sat on the phone separated by such a distance, but grieving together. Greg told me we needed to contact the American Red Cross; in situations like these, the process of getting home would be expedited with their help. My mom started making phone calls, and I prayed. We needed to be together, and the sooner, the better. Within a few hours, Greg was notified of his flight time, which was Tuesday night 6:00 pm. He had a few hours to get things taken care of in Korea, before he would board the bus to head to the airport. Things moved so quickly, for that I was and am still thankful.
From the time he arrived home, until now, it has been so crazy; the last week seems like a blur to both of us. We have walked down a path that neither one of us planned to take, but God was not surprised. I find comfort and hope in Him. He has given us a peace, and even though we don't understand why our baby never lived in this world, we trust him and we believe that "in all things, God works for the good of those who love him." Romans 8:28
On Thursday, June 25, we went to the hospital so that I could be induced. I had at this point cried and prayed, and knew that God would get me through this time, I certainly didn't have it in myself to get through this. Greg was by my side through it all. On June 26th, 18 hours after being induced, our baby girl, Josianne Gabrielle entered this world. It was so sad. She should have cried, but she didn't. She should have been bigger, instead, she was so tiny and fragile. She should have been alive, but she wasn't. We held her and cried over her. We were in shock, but at the same time, we knew this was real. The time in the hospital was not easy, in fact, many tears were shed there. And when I was released, sadness hit me hard that I was leaving the hospital, without Josianne. No mama plans to have her baby and then leave without her.
I should share with you that there were so many prayers on our behalf and we knew it. Although this journey is not easy, God's strength has made it possible and has given both Greg and I the courage to face each new day. I like Psalm 147:3, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Indeed, He is healing us.
Greg and I chose to have a very private memorial service for Josianne. Her body was precious to us and we wanted to take care of her with dignity, love and respect. On June 29th, we buried our sweet Josianne. My childhood pastor, who actually married us, officiated the service. It was so sweet and we were very encouraged. Josianne is in heaven and we will see her again. Yes, there will be days ahead that I miss her and mourn her loss. I'll think about what she might have looked like. I will always wish I could have known her and watched her grow up with her sister and brothers. But, I will always know that she's in a glorious place and that I will be with her and know her in that perfect place, where there's no pain or tears...Heaven.

My dear family and friends, thank you for your words of encouragement and for your prayers and the tears you have shed with me. I love you all, and I want you to know that God will carry us through this valley. "Be strong and take courage, do not fear or be dismayed, for the Lord, your God is with you, where ever you go." Joshua 1:9

20 Weeks!!